Did you ever have to walk down a road in life which caused you to question God’s love for you? It seemed like the more praying and fasting you did, the more silent God became. Questions began to arise like: God, where are you? What on earth are you doing? Don’t you love me? Don’t you care? Have I done something wrong?
Years ago I had to walk a road where I questioned a lot of things about God and about myself. I was having acute abdominal pain right before and during my monthly menses. At times the pain was so severe that I would break out in a cold sweat and shake uncontrollably. I would even throw up when the pain became too severe. I went to the ER where tests were done and I was sent to a gynocologist. A large mass was found on my right ovary. It was so heavy that my right ovary was displaced down by the bladder. I remember the look on the doctor’s face. Why God gave me a doctor that worried all the time is beyond me, but that’s what I got. He looked at me and told me that he thought I may have ovarian cancer and he needed to do surgery. I felt like I had just been hit by a freight truck. Many horrible thoughts began to fill my head and I just began to cry. Fear had taken ahold of my heart like a vice-grip. Even though God never left my side, I couldn’t find Him anywhere because the fear had blinded me from seeing my Father’s face. I was afraid of the potential diagnosis, and I was afraid of surgery. I was in a lose-lose situation. Or so I thought.
My husband and I began to pray like never before. We had our church interceding and praying. But nothing was changing. God became silent. I would ask God where He was, and why He wasn’t answering my prayer. I didn’t want this mass and I certainly didn’t want surgery. I wanted God to instantly heal me and deliver me from all of my fears. (who was I to tell God how to answer my prayer)?
Suddenly, I had a breakthrough; well, kinda. God gave me a scripture! It was Isaiah 43:1-2:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.”
I remember thinking; “are you serious God?” I want healed and delivered! I don’t want surgery! What if I don’t wake up?” Needless to say, I knew how God was going to bring about my healing and I didn’t like it one bit.
I went to bed that night pouting and an old song that my parents used to play when I was a child went through my mind. This is the first verse:
When your up against a struggle that shatters all your dreams, and your hopes have been cruelly crushed by satan’s manifested schemes; And you feel the urge within you to submit to earthly fear; don’t let the faith your standing in seem to disappear. Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him…..
I began to cry as I realized that God wanted my praise even in the midst of my storm. I woke up the next morning on my face as I worshiped my God. You see, I learned at this moment that it is my praise and worship that will move the hand of God. I surrendered my will to Him and praised God in my storm. I never felt God’s presence like I did when I worshiped Him out of the desperation of my heart. Worship breaks the chains that keep us bound. No matter what I was going through, God was God, and He would receive my praise.
The day of my surgery came and everything went well. The final diagnosis was severe endometriosis with an endometrioma (blood filled cyst). No cancer! I have had to have more surgeries after this, but I’m ok.
My prayer was not answered in the way I thought it should be, but God did heal me by the hands of physicians. I realized that God never left my side. I was the one who left His side by worrying and trying to control the situation myself. God was and will always be by my side. And He will always be by your side waiting to hear your praise in the storm.